firsts

My hope is very self serving in creating this blog. First off would be to publish thoughts ideas and themes into a printable and hopefully valuable timeline, possibly leading to a service of reference, an output lending to routine. In a community  forum i suspect a fare amount of valuable input, at best a source of entertainment for myself or possibly even my future readership. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. My long term goal would be to maintain daily practice, gain in readership, with the critics help become critical, habitually become an efficient writer. As a father, endeared with a loving family and a scattering of friends i could really use a vehicle to drive my personal ideas, and yet as an individual remain anonymous and not become to personable to the permanent ink that is blog. Opinionated yet objective, oxymoronic yet oracular. This is the idea i have.

Each day of the week would have a themed title. Perhaps something i claim to know, or something i know nothing about but try and figure out as i write, in other words bullshit my way thru it to knowledge. This is where the interaction could be beneficial. Today being my first, which was Sunday into the day of dead presidents honored. So Sunday would be topical of politics, politicians,

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Suckerpunished

I fell into a black space.

That is I lost my faith into the abyss

fair trade, I gave what I had and everyone else walked

listened hard to get the joke, walked into a line of punches

they judge me now a name for a number in a chain missing letters

l became faceless to hear the music, with a song void of tempo

handpicked choir, wordless chorus, victim of guilt, plea forgiveness

echo of the laughter and the gavel sounds loud as I sit still

shadow permeates the cage as the sun sets. The bars beat down on my prayer

try and fight off the hate, sharpen metal on cement

planting tools in the garden to harvest steel in my diet

rusty water in the bucket cold sleep dreamless comforts

digging graves with my fingers, headstones paid for with tax dollars

open casket task force, counted like diamonds treated like shit

cops pledge allegiance to pay checks doing time for pensions

writing wrongs penning notes as suicide eyes are watching my plate

at the sound of the dogs my soul jumps and runs for the fence

and what’s wrong with humane nature? Always fight off deaths glance

but snared in the Devils trap, the more will to live the deeper goes in the barbs

Tangled in the fight to live as the razor wire tears skin to bone

guards on the watchtower with shotguns raised and aimed

will never shoot just watch you bleed out, the breath that hangs from the rafters

true freedom needs to kick the chair out lost on a word or call out surrender

grieve no more or fight to loose your life no matter how brave you still crap yourself

bending ear to satins guidance truly see one hand soothe as one hand maims

whole nations fall not on bombs or bullets shot

it starts as a word that will fan the fire to flame

what mob won’t join in on a riot, given the choice between that or white flags

these are the events that get soldiers to enlist

this elusive thing called freedom comes with bowed head on fallen knees

how many at the alter of life and death will kick and scream

who hasn’t died a little to live in life. But does it all start and end with surrender

 

Before I Can Sleep

I don’t know If I’ve ever been scared of an unknown force. What I think I mean to say it is that I’ve experienced fear before but it happened so quick there was no time to really contemplate it. I’ve had bad things happen before, car crashes that happen quick and after it happens you have to process what happened? I’ve been shot at before and the adrenalen is just pure survival, I remember feeling all around my body to see if I had been hit. And that gut wrenching feeling right before you know you are going to get your ass kicked! I’ve dislocated my kneecap, and looking at my kneecap and seeing that it’s protruding off to the side of my leg and the shock has kicked in and the pain hasn’t hit yet but the realization that the leg no longer works? That was fear, but this fear that i’m speaking about is different. Maybe if you combo that with say a weather report yet to be heard? You know the one I’m talking about? When the weather man predicts the weather for a seven day forecast, and a hurricane is on a direct path! I know that it’s hard enough to forecast the weather for the day, well this thing brewing inside of me is kind of like that, but much different. Does that make sense? How about when you take your wife out to eat with your mother? That can be scary just knowing what you know but not knowing what was going to be said or who’s going to say it? Or maybe it’s something my mother may have warned me of, like what would happen if I made that face? I think all moms warned us of that one, well all moms from a certain age group. I remember being so excited the night before Christmas and that to could turn to fear should I not get to sleep because if I didn’t I may no longer be on that magical list of Santa’s! Or maybe not completing an assignment and the teacher asking me if I wanted to be a gas attendant (which ironically I was right after I first dropped out of school), or did I want to flip burgers? (check). Or the dentist showing me what will happen should I ever chose to not brush? The long term effects of chewing tobacco (again not the best example because I have chewed my whole life, but I’ve done so by switching to the pouches so as to be safer or more manageable in my mind, and there for not as much a fear). Only that’s the PG version. No this fear is of a subject i’d just as soon not even discuss or get involved in. Yet I can’t exactly put my finger on it? And I have always been inquisitive and would be the knuckle head in the horror movie who is walking down the stairs leading to the basement, despite the whole theater of people shouting out to not go down there, with blood dripping down the walls and Satins bellowing laughter and the millions of anguished souls wailing out for forgiveness, yet here I go, step by breaking step down to the basement to investigate that annoying sound. So even compiling all of these and still not the description that I’m looking for, No this fear is of a subject I would just as soon not even discuss or get involved in. It’s Politics! Worse yet it’s this election year that is weeks from election day, and I tell you what  I’m scared SHITLESS!!!

I can say that I’ve been thru many elections. I was born right after Bobby Kennedy was shot! So the first President in my lifetime was Lyndon Johnson, who was leaving office for the incoming Richard Nixon. But my memory’s are rather vague until say Gerald Ford, and It was Jimmy Carter that was a much clearer picture of what a president does and how the process works. My birthday just so happens to be the 6th of November so the election is going to land close to my birthday every time. The 2nd Tuesday of November wont allow it to land on my Birthday, but this year it’s on the 8th, a couple days after. The fear that I speak of just so happened to kick up a notch when I heard Donald Trump announce at one of his rallies to go and vote on November 28? I mean that is awesome it his supporters are writing down that date but…..So this Fear, it’s not Hillary Clinton, although I’m not terribly excited about her either! I guess she doesn’t seem to have that dooms day look about her. Her pants suits a little frightening, still not enough to keep my attention from the channel clicker. My alarms don’t go off at all. She is just a politician, a woman that I believe had given her life early on to civil service, which she was probably good at but got a bit burnt out like most civil servants do after a bit of time, and the bureaucracy has grinded them down to a compromised morality and a pick and choose mortality, a sink or swim mentality. I’m sure in her case it was the combination of getting married to Bill and the birth of their daughter. A big difference with her is this idea that she can bail a bit easier than most of her colleagues of the time, under the guise of a law degree and rich parents. I could guess that she was only in part rebelling in her early battles in spite of her parents? This just as easily a completely  wrong assumption on my part? But to know she is just a politician, kind of like a lion at the zoo. I know that lions are potentially deadly but not when they are in their cages! Trump on the other hand scares me to no end, and I in part only know about the half of it?

I grew up with the name Trump. His name was a big deal in the 80’s and who hadn’t heard of the Trump towers? But latter that name became human and he put his face on the brand. I recall the Pizza Hut commercials but later the face became synonymous with the hit show The Apprentice! I have to say though that I could never get thru a full episode. I Just wouldn’t want to work for a guy like that, it seemed that he was always yelling or giving that evil eye look!!! Now at that time, (and I had to look up the first time the show aired) it was 2004, and I was not really one to sit and watch much of any TV, I would peak my head in and from time to time, stand there and watch, I was 3 years left of what would be me doing 12 yrs on a 14 yr sentence, (speaking politics and terrifying  I was a POW to the war on drugs! I received a 168 months for 50 pounds of marijuana which I possessed because essentially the government fronted it to me! ) I wouldn’t spend a lot of time watching TV unless it was sports. TV rooms were a fight just waiting to happen! So I didn’t see a lot of the show, and it wasn’t until about 2014 or so that Trump really started coming into my consciousness. And when he first announced his bid to run for the Republican ticket I thought it some what comical and secretly routed him on. I thought his early performances against these republican meanies was awesome! At some point in time tho it became a reality! Donald Trump had won the republican primary!!! Now I had listened to some of those speeches and I had seen the rallies and the opposition to what he was saying and I knew deep down that I only routed for what he was doing to shake up the establishment. But the actual sustenance of his words and the principle of what he was standing for and what he was saying was so counter to what I would of liked to have heard. It made me think that I wish I could put together the perfect president from all that 2015 had to offer leading up to the 2016 conventions.

So I do know in part this fear comes from Donald Trump. I would be concerned of what his motives would be as far as making America great again? I mean America isn’t all that bad, considering what is going on else where. What would his America look like being great again? Who would be affected by that greatness? If I had to guess it wouldn’t be me. Me being a third class citizen as it is now. I am not allowed many of the privileges that other members of society take for granted. I can’t vote. So I get to watch the thing unravel from the sidelines. I am not allowed to work many of the jobs that others can. I actually was hired by an insurance company and I studied and passed the exam for my 215 license, only to have the state tell me different. You see the state had a little hidden clause that stated I had committed a crime of moral turpitude! (And even tho I had been out of prison for 7 years, and my actual felony had happened over 20 years ago, for a marijuana conviction, I would not be allowed to practice as a life insurance agent) because any crime of moral turpitude must be 15 years after release before he or she may act as a licensed agent. So Trumps vision for America is a bit frightening  and he’s not very apologetic about the bull shit he gets caught in! These things that He says are just so far off point that you have to wonder? A quick fact check and it’s obvious that the man that potentially could be president is pretty much scripting it as he goes. A narcissist beyond ego maniac proportion!!! He’s Filed bankruptcy 2 x’s and been divorced 3 x’s! But again it’s not just him, it’s about a lot of his supporters! Why?

Would these voters actually hope for a wall spanning from the Pacific ocean, San Diego all the way to Texas and the gulf of Mexico!. I guess I just don’t get it? Are they applauding President Duturte’s execution of the drug dealers and addicts in the Philippians. What is it about law and order that these voters see as necessary? I mean we incarcerate more people than any other county? These people are so  unapologetically supportive. I hear constantly the appeal of his being business man (but he filled bankruptcy 2 x’s), and of course I hear the we don’t want a career politician (but if you go to court do you want a lawyer? or go to the Dr office would you want a career Doctor? Or getting on a plane who best to fly the airplane?)  So this thing he speaks of and the people that wait in line to be a part of this making America great again?  It is absolutely unnecessary to even discuss much of anything with those that will support him to the bitter end. (as he announced to be on November 28). It is strange to think that our country’s dynamics and principalities as well completely at odds. I have never seen such a polarized election? And by him announcing that he wouldn’t concede should he lose the election is in fact an invitation to riot! I work with these people and talk to this people in all of my daily activities and I Live with these people! I asked my mother in law why and she said that she thinks any one who votes for Hillary should be in jail!!! Again I’m not even saying I would vote for Hillary, if I could vote it would probably be for Gary Johnson or more actually Jill  Stein of the Green Party ticket? Where I live that’s like as pinko commie as it gets!!!! I guess the scariest part of it all is when my 7 year old asked me “dad, who are you going to vote for? I like Trump.” That’s when the fear of it all hit! That was when my non political sentiment needed to be rethought and that was when I knew that I needed to respect my son’s views but also try and understand from where he was getting his information and how he was coming to his conclusion that he thought that Trump would make a good president and part of that for me was to sit and try and write this post.

 

 

What’s The BIG IDEA?

It’s always about something, and to be honest for the most part that something is usually mundane and somewhat predictable. The routine has been know to drive many people to jump from buildings or wrap more than just neck ties around their necks. That 9-5 grind (or when ever that maddening shift begins, and supposedly ends) is slow suicide. I’ve got to be one of the million people out there that never thought in a million years that it could happen to me, and here I am not only one of those people, but I am one of those terribly unfortunates that has not only the grind to not look forward to but also that creeping up of age on me with no prospect of retirement or any means what so ever as to a savings plan or anything in a bank or the prospect of ever having anything saved should I live to be older than say 65.

So it came to me recently that I failed not only myself, but my family both past and especially present. I was gifted with a few skills that should have yielded me some type of livable wage, but I some how overlooked. My first which I must use quite regularly in my current profession, but hardly earns me much more than the night and next days expenses, and that gift is the gift of gab. I have always genuinely loved to talk to most people and enjoy the potential of what professional pleasantries can bring in the realm of conversation. I like people and like to understand the story and history behind the eyes and also can never shy away from the hot button or political or religious topic of the day or maybe just what is being flipped from the tongue. I guess that’s why the service industry came so easily to me as a 15 year old dishwasher who was able to talk his way onto the floor as a bus boy, or later as the 22 year old who figured out a way from bar back to bartender. the problem with this industry has been that I have not been able to save or stash much of anything away. It’s always easy come and easy go! I for many years used this as a way to pay the bills and chase the dream, the dream being my playing music as much as possible when not working. I believe that it happened rather fast, that is the change in ideology as to how to survive and make what I need to do so, and that big change I’m speaking of is the birth of my child. It was at this time that I decided to dedicate my efforts to providing for my family. I still some 7 years later have not been really able to do this. I can get the daily money needed but I feel like I always fall short on any of the long term goals ( that is short of getting my tax returns). Something else had happened as well. I was busted as a 24 year old with 50 pounds of marijuana, that had been fronted to me by an acquaintance who had been busted earlier and was in turn trying to undo his time by setting me up and put his weight on me. I did this deal with $5 in my pocket, and it was made clear to me relatively early on that the DEA wasn’t really all that interested in me, but rather in my friends, family, acquaintances and potentially any one they say. But that only changed the fact that I could participate in elections or get some of the things taken for granted by others. I am a third class citizen.

I not to long ago was told by a hiring agent that he would love to use my skill set with people to help him and his company sell insurance. He thought I was extremely personable and thought that I could do well and make great money. It was the first time I had ever been offered health insurance, a 401k, pension, and a great chance to actually grow with the company and be a vital part of a team. Man was I excited! I knew should I apply myself I could pass the test, to get an agents license or a 215, and I did pass the test, but the state wasn’t inclined to give me a license? I was crushed and went back to work as a server/bartender. It’s what I do now.

I had this idea some time ago that I could potentially make money doing stuff online. I started out by taking surveys and that into research which paid much better but not enough work. I was like why not blog? I could just spew out what I know to be true, give my opinions about the movies and what toiler paper to use. The thing is I’m not really an expert on any of that! I thought about writing as a means and now it’s just what exactly to write. But part of this process is to just do it. I know that I’m not down for any more prison time, never was, but now I am a father and husband. I think I have always been an idea guy. So here is the deal. If you need an idea, or would like some help working out a problem of some kind and would like me to help you expand or come up with some kind of idea, well I am game!!! What’s the big idea? I’m good with words and I’m leaning towards email sales letters. I can write copy and describe the message that you need described? Would like to give me a shot at it? I will paint your picture with words, and I can color the pages with what it is that you need to express. It can be a business start up or an advertising campaign. Draw me the outline or send me a brochure of what has previously been said, and I will build on that and make it better. I guess if I’m thinking BIG I should at least stick with what it is that I know. Restaurants. I can promote and help grow any restaurant. I will help with the menu and can put together the coupons and the we can create together the thing that all families want when they go out to eat! ( I cant tell you what that is but I know what it is, should I tell you perhaps you will just take my idea and decide not to pay me at all ). So get this. I’m a whiz at the social media and I can very easily handle those accounts. How much would you expect to pay? I could help you get that gift for your wife, or help come up with the idea for that song? Did I tell you that I also enjoy writing poetry? Need help writing that book? I could go on and on, but I wont. After all it’s only a blog that nobody else will ever see. I want to figure it out, but perhaps you could help me out should you happen upon this page?

I guess all said and done I’m going to do what ever it is that I have to do and keep providing for my family the best that I can. I have a job to do and it’s to keep my boy in smiles, I’ve done a good job just by his laugh and his imagination is the things dreams are made of for sure. I’m not really sure sometimes what it is i’m trying to say when I start out writing these, but I can say I’m pleased with the out come of this episode in the ole blog spot. I see planely that it’s not really much about me in any kind of way except for my boy to be able to count on his pops to get him to where ever it is that he needs to be going. So outside of that, please feel free to contacting me should you wish to discuss or brainstorm or are looking to hire loyalty, and grit, and dedication, some one who is never going to quit on you, and who at any given time may just pull that thought or sentiment that has been missing from the slogan or branding project, and oh yea don’t forget the big idea’!

Procrastination ( And The Weight )

I’ve told myself I don’t know how many times, that “I should start a blog”! It’s my obvious path to relieving my genius, connecting with my readership. I’ve spent countless hours ( i started this account 4 years ago all ampped up that artistic spirit) thinking about how I could fashion the blog to serve as guide to humanity, or make a theme of it on the daily to be helpful in a specific niche like the war on drugs, or poverty? Or I could be the poor mans critic on wine and dine? Litter it with clever antidotes and witty remarks concerning  the vintage mad dog 20/20 outside the domino’s dumpster. Or claim to be an expert on all things cinema (after it’s release to DVD and even after that to commercial television.). I could spend more time discussing the commercials and the emotions stirred by the marketing masters (my peers) and research enough so that I know the names of the actors and actresses and cinematographers, make up artist, producers, key grips. I recall once thinking it would be fun to go to a different church, or place of worship and make that the place of great writing and spiritual understanding, connecting dots and lines drawn that conclude some conclave faith and similarities between the teachings and the masses that believe. But somewhere before i can start that train gets derailed?

I’m not sure exactly what it is that throws me off what ever track that brings me to the train of thought. Quite possibly it’s the over think or the pure exhaustion of setting up the account and deciding on the pen name? Or the phone rings, or I have to get to work, or I have to sleep or eat or start a family? Or become a musician or write a screenplay or book or go back to school (basically dropped out in the 10th grade) or I have to pour a drink and smoke a joint and……

Then one day it kind of hits me. (Trust me when I say that I’ve been beaten down with these punches), but it obviously hits me in a new way, a way that gets me past the pass word recovery and actually into the account. It is the thought that has been pounded into my head by any writer worth his salt. Baseball players call it pepper. It is the most pure and basic of all principles to becoming good at something, or even finding out if you could be good. That’s this! Finally! To write! So at 46 and living as a bartender/server and hardly even doing that worth a shit! Here it is my new found attempt to write, by actually writing. And a note to self is to not over edit (because I have done that and the editing wears me out to the point of not in the end doing anything except distractions that take me far from the craft and forgetting passwords or subjects, or tittles, or dreams). If I can do more than just write but actually publish this draft regardless of the quality or lack of, and make a practice of it, that in fact would be an accomplishment of sorts, taking the steps that I need to take in order to write.

So with out  fanfare or immediate success, that I have dreamed of as often as I have thought up book tittles, and on to late nights and zero money, but success none the less. Here it is, my first post or blog or exercise at doing something that I’ve always wanted to do. Write. So with out consideration to any one who may or may not stumble upon these narratives or shorts or at this point just a bunch of words newly vomited from my soul, I welcome you! For this moment in time I am an audience of 1. But should this continue to happen. than I would ask a chance to gain your readership and another to give me a chance. Critique my work or offer up feed back or start a thread? A thanks in advance and a pat on my back for hitting the publish and lie or no, consider myself a writer.

 

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